Changes

It's been close to 3 years since I've posted.
In that time I've taught 50+ kids, cried and laughed a lot in my classroom, helped open a youth center, got pregnant, had a beautiful baby girl, packed up  my classroom, moved to Texas, and watched my husband start Residency....in a nutshell.

Life has changed drastically for me, and I find it beautiful and so strange. For the last 4 years I have been so sure of who I was: I was Mrs. T. I loved my kids more than I loved myself. I gave all of my energy, money, time and prayers to their hearts that were so desperate for love. I had kids who begged me to be their mom, kids starving for food, kids starving for attention.
When I had Baby J, I felt a different pull. I hated, HATED leaving her everyday, and yet I loved being at work. I was tired all of the time. I was emotionally tired and physically tired. I yearned to have time to be a better wife, to have a more clean house, to have time to talk to my friends on the phone, to spend time with my family, and to rock my daughter down for naps.

Things have changed. My husband's residency program moved us to Texas: 6 hours from family, and only knowing 2 friends when we came. I was scared but for some reason, so incredibly sure that this was God's call for our lives. Back in January and February we prayed about this decision every single day. It's all we talked about in our home. I could tell that he wanted to take the step somewhere new, but I absolutely loved my life where I was. I knew that I would not be teaching the following year, and my pastor had dreamed with me of a part time job in KC where I could work with the mommas of my kids....Bible Studies, pedicures, garage sales, budgeting classes, play groups, etc. There was money in the budget. It was my DREAM job. I had made better friends in my city, in my 4 years, than I had ever had in my life. They understood me. I didn't threaten them. They accepted my bold personality and challenged me to be a better version of myself. I talked to them about everything in my life: my students, marriage, baby J, my own self image, etc. I was pulling for STAYING put.
One afternoon we got a letter from the residency director in Dallas. It was personally written to my husband, and as I read it aloud to him during lunch on Saturday afternoon-tears flowed down my face. This director understood P...this program would help grow P into the doctor and PERSON he was yearning to be. I knew the answer. I didn't want to know the answer, but I felt the prod from the Lord. We would be moving.
Weeks later we were still battling where we should go/stay. We ran/prayed/read....The due date for submission came, and we still weren't sure-our hearts were in 2 places. Our current place, full of dreams for kids & continued beauty....and another place that we felt a sure whisper from the Lord. Ultimately, we wanted both. We wanted whatever was the Lord's will, and we were having trouble figuring that out. Our life just seemed so full and beautiful, we couldn't imagine why the Lord would want us to move away.
Fast forward a few months...he matched in Texas. I packed up my classroom, said the saddest goodbyes I've ever said-knowing that I'll probably never see my kids again, said goodbye to my identify as "Mrs. T", said goodbye to family, packed up all our junk and moved to Texas.

In Texas, the Lord miraculously provided us with a HUGE, beautiful house (that actually looks clean when it is clean!!) in a neighborhood full of people wanting to serve the poor. Our subdivision is surrounded by government housing, and I love that. When we go to the grocery store and pool and playground, we are always the minority.
-The pace has changed, my identity has shifted. By some miracle, we moved into a big, beautiful house in the middle of a beautiful community surrounded by government housing. There are ministries, after school programs, and so so much diversity. My days now consist of runs, playgrounds, nap times, lots of books, toys, and many many giggles. The thing I was most sad about leaving our city was that J Baby wouldn't know my kids. She wouldn't remember the beauty we saw in the "least of these". She wouldn't remember how much they loved her and kissed her and laughed with her and called her their "god sister". They were our family, and she wouldn't remember.
God heard my sadness and we now go to a library story hour that is extremely diverse, at the pool she is the only white girl as we speak Spanish with all of the kids, who kiss her and laugh with her, in the neighborhood we are surrounded by every level of income, and we have had the privilege of meeting with several ministries who are doing incredible things. I am in no rush to sign onto a "job"--I whoeheartedly believe that the Lord has lead me this far and that He will continue to lead. I will not "jump" until I am sure.
We have visited so many churches and just haven't felt at "home" yet. It is so important for me to find somewhere that loves my daughter, keeps her safe, and teaches her about the Lord in a beautiful way. A few weeks ago I went to a church-tears flowed down my face through the whole sermon....and when I picked J baby up from the nursery, she was laughing and smiling. She "talked" all the way home. I think that may be our "home".
I signed me and J Baby up for a BSF class. In college I always wanted to take Bible Classes-I was so annoyed with the religion majors who complained about their homework--you get to read/study the BIBLE, I would think! While I was teaching, I always wanted to audit a seminary class in the summer, but their class schedule overlapped with my school schedule. Finally I am at a point where I have time and energy to devote to serious, intense study of the Word, and I am SO excited. The book this year is Revelation...I would prefer to study a different book, but I know that it will be good. I received welcoming emails from 2 different churches, and after praying quite a bit about where to go, I feel sure that I should go to the one where J Baby and I will be the minority. My favorite line in the welcome email was "Your daughter will be studying the same scripture and lessons that you are....". So.excited.
The shift is extreme....My house is clean. The yard is mowed. There is always fresh food in the refrigerator. I return phone calls and emails. The laundry is put away and clean. The cars are vacuumed.....It seems silly and dumb, but it has been something that I have been yearning for: a piece of CONTROL, a little bit of ORDER. We've been in such chaos. When P was working night shift I took a bubble bath with a glass of wine. (For one, the bathtub was clean enough, and for two, I had the energy to even fill up a bath lol).
There is also a loneliness in this phase of life: families are spending Saturday together, going to church together, eating dinner together...but truly it could be so much worse. he will be working holidays this year, but it doesn't matter because he is so present when he IS home. J absolutely LOVES her daddy. She gets so excited when he gets home...we have dance parties together and she goes crazy. I told P that no matter where we go, I will be lonely, because I will be missing my best friend: him! He is working 12-14 hour days, weekends, etc. I hate that he has to work so hard, and we miss him at dinner....but he really enjoys what he is doing and never complains. I've never seen him this tired, and yet I've never seen him this happy. I'm really proud of him. I am trying to do everything I can, at home, to make his life easier and more comfortable. I haven't been able to be a very supportive wife-to some extent, it was "every man for himself" this last year. We were just trying to make sure we ate, slept, and got our baby to daycare. What a blessing to shift the focus from myself to him and his kids.
J is such an easy, fun baby. She is hilarious. She loves to carry around her "treasures" and always has an animal or doll under her arm as she walks around the house. She is extremely extroverted, so I make a point to have playdates, go to the park, take her to the grocery store, etc. She loves to talk to people, laugh and is almost always smiling. She is truly the greatest blessing of my life-I really do not know what I would do without her down here. What a beautiful, intense responsibility it is to raise a child. She know she elephant sign and what an owl says. She can say momma, dadda, hi, and dog. Sometimes we think we hear other words but I'm not "that mom" ;). When she eats or sits in a chair she crosses her legs, she runs everywhere she goes, and loves to hug me from behind and kiss me on my lips. I'm trying to teach her Spanish. Knowing Spanish has opened me to so many different situations and people, I am having fun speaking Spanish with her and trying to teach her some words and phrases. I don't know that she will be fluent, but I really am trying. She and I have really bonded-she is forming a personality that is SO fun...she laughs all the time, "talks" so seriously to herself as she walks around her playroom, and is always coming over to give me kisses and hugs. When P teases me or tickles me, she slaps him or starts to cry--although I'm teaching her not to hit or hurt people, it is sweet how protective she is of me. Sometimes I lay in my bed at night and have tears come down my face. I can't believe the BEAUTIFUL grace God gave me to be her momma & P's wife. They are not perfect, but I can not imagine my everyday without them!
My life is so different. And yet it is still so full. I really believe that this season is a gift to fill up for the next season. I do not know what is coming, but I am grateful for this season. I really believe in living in the present-not clinging to the past or waiting for the future.
Meanwhile, P is working all the time. There is a loneliness that I feel-I know other medical wives understand. Not necessarily lonely for other people, but just lonely to be a family with normal schedules. Last night we got to eat dinner together and it was the GREATEST gift. J was going crazy, just so happy to be with both of her parents....I grilled food and we went swimming and we enjoyed being together. He will have to work holidays, weekends, and almost everyday....but we will make the absolute MOST of the time we do have together, and consider it a great gift. J is so excited to see her daddy, even if only for 10 minutes each night.

I bought an elliptical (saved ALL school year!!!) from this company: http://discountonline fitness.com
If you are interested in buying ANY type of exercise equipment, you should check out this HUGE warehouse. They have thousands of gently used items, and restore them, and resell them for great prices. We worked it a little and got him to go down a lot in price-it's being delivered this week. I'm really excited. I ordered several inspirational posters to hang on the walls of the "exercise" room and we are going to set up a spin bike, the treadmill, elliptical, yoga mat & weights to have an area where P can work out after work, where we can watch TV together and have an area for fitness on rainy, cold days--I'm not a big fan of a gym and it's almost impossible to get a membership with costs, and a baby :). I like having 24 hour access & not have to drive anywhere....what a huge blessing.

Counting my blessings, and finding peace & joy in this very DIFFERENT, beautiful season.

"But he said to  me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12: 9